Taboo Parenting Topics

When you become a parent, you join an elite (?) club of folks that can relate to your sleep-deprived rants, your love/hate relationship with your children and your many stories of the crazy things your kids do and say. However, I feel a little cheated with certain topics. There are secrets in this club that are not being exposed. Maybe that is the wrong term to use.

One particular topic that has me baffled is masturbation. I just read that sentence. Let me rephrase...No parent ever talks about what to do when your young child has an obsession with humping. Why is that? I feel cheated that no seasoned veteran parent had the generosity to share this possible eventuality. I know it is an uncomfortable topic, but couldn't someone have warned me that girls do this? And then proceeded to share with me how to address it? We can't be the only parents going through this.

Is it a phase? Is my daughter going to be an adult entertainer? (Please lord, spare me the horror.) Is she lacking something in her diet? Is she not getting enough sun? And what do we do? Post signs in public areas of the house? NO HUMPING ALLOWED. If only she could read. Do we tell her if she continues her hand will fall off? She's going to be in therapy one day anyway. Why not give her some good material? Should I have a siren that blares every time she does it? She'll move her hand to cover her ears, right?

Perhaps no one shared their experiences because they, too, had no idea what to do. Well I am here to tell you that once I have figured out how to handle the situation, I will let you know. I am breaking this code of silence!

An evening cut short

To celebrate my husband's birthday and father's day, we went out on a much needed date at a fabulous restaurant in town. The plan was to eat, drink and be merry, then meet up with some friends later to see a band. At the end of the meal, our sitter called me. BIG red flag. She never calls. The conversation went as follows:

Liz: We have a problem.
Me: What kind of problem?
Liz: Maura said the f-word so I sent her to her room.
Me: Ok.
Liz: There's more. She then cut off her hair while I was down stairs with the other two.
Me: Did she cut a lot off?
Liz: Ummm...yeah. Like her whole head.
Me: Oh my. I am so sorry. We will be right home.

I am afraid to say that Liz was right. Liz found a trail of hair from my office to my son's room. The scissors she used were kids' craft scissors - the only ones within reach in an effort to avoid this kind of scenario. Apparently, I was outsmarted by a 4-year old - again.

Maura is now sporting a pixie cut with whispy side burns, a tail perfectly centered in the back of her head and chunks of hair missing over her ears. It is quite a stunning masterpiece. No worries. I took plenty of pictures to torture her with when she is older. I cannot wait.

What you can learn from being silent

People that know me know that I am not one to sit silent for long. I have a lot to say, even about things I may not know about. It doesn't matter. If it's a topic, I have an opinion. Regardless, as I age (I sound so mature, don't I?) I am learning there is much value in listening and allowing a conversation to unfold without my interjection. I know, it's taken me a long time to figure this one out. The important thing is I AM figuring it out.

Case in point. Today was a very busy day. I felt like a chauffeur, schlepping my kids to their different camps on the opposite side of the state (so it seemed). By the time I had picked up the last kid, I was worn out and the idea of conversing with three children for the 40 minute ride home was less than appealing. So I listened to their day, what they accomplished and who was there, etc.

This is what I learned in those 40 minutes. My son overcame his fear of heights as he climbed a 35 foot rope - because "that is really high, mom." He did cry for me at one point, but he overcome that, too. Whew. All of a sudden he transformed into this mature little dude. Could it be? Then it was confirmed...Maura and Gage engaged in a conversation atypical of a 4 1/2-year old and 9-year old, I think.

Maura (in a nails-down-a-chalkboard whiny voice): Mom, Shayna is 5 and she has a TV in her room. Why can't I have a TV in my room?

Gage: Maura, we don't judge people by what they have. We judge them by who they are.

Maura: I wasn't talking to you, Gage. And I am not judging her! She is judging me because I don't have a TV in my room!!!!

I drove in silence and disbelief. I learned so many things in that brief interaction. Now I know how to motivate Maura into listening to me.....(insert evil laugh)....hahahahaha.